As a parent I always worry if I am doing it right. Am I there for my children enough emotionally, mentally and physically? Am I doing enough? Am I instilling in them the things that I think are important? Are my own struggles impacting them in a negative way? and so on. I get caught up in these thoughts and more on such a regular basis.
I have days where I feel maybe I am not the right person for them, that someone else might be able to do it better than I. This doesn’t come from a place of not wanting my kids or a place of resentment, it comes from the ever deep want to have the absolute very best for my boys and sometimes I don’t feel like I fit on that pedestal. we all have days where its like we are failing at every turn we take with our darlings. its on these days that I feel it the most!
I know that they are just kids and that maybe I shouldn’t take things so personally. But on the days when they say they hate me or it seems like everything is upsetting them even me…. I struggle… I have stupid thoughts like, do they not see the things I try to do for them? am I enough? maybe I am not doing a good job? These thoughts though say so much more about myself then my children. I know deep down that I am not a horrible mother, that my boys are a lot more fortunate then a lot of others to have loving and caring parents.
My biggest fear in life is turning out like my own parents…. I don’t ever want to be the type of parent they were… I use that as my driving force… I hope that through my parenting, my boys will grow up to be loving, understanding, grateful, caring, kind and empathetic people. People who will act from the heart! There are days where I feel like I am not instilling these things into them enough, that I could be doing more.
As you can probably tell…. I doubt myself an awful lot! and I come down on myself often. I find myself at times looking for reassurance that I am doing ok with my boys and that I am not horrifically messing this up. I feel like, what they say or do is a reflection of me and my parenting. So if they aren’t treating a friend very kindly then that’s on me… things like that. I Just need a sign that I am doing this parenting thing right.
A few weeks ago I spent 3 very intense nights in hospital with Kaiden…. my dear boy had viral meningitis and was very, very poorly. He had to go through multiple blood tests and even a Lumbar Puncture….. for those who do not know what that is…. its when they take fluid from your spine from your lower back….. when the time came I just could not watch my boy go through that and I broke down. I was lucky that his nanna was there so she could sit in with him while he had the procedure done. But after it was all done I kicked myself big time for not being there for my boy. I’m his mum!! I am meant to be there!! I’m a coward!! These I felt thought and carried so heavy and I still do a bit. in that moment I felt I failed. He is better now and I don’t believe he remembers a lot about hospital which I am thankful for.
That situation made me question every part of my parenting so much more than ever. and I was down on myself.
I just needed a sign…. something to show me I am doing this right!
Over the past week I finally got my sign!!! It didn’t fall from the heavens, it wasn’t written in the sky, nor did it come from a friend. It came from my boys themselves!!!
The weekend of mothers day it was mostly just Levi and I, Kaiden spent most his time with his dad and their family. And I got him back for mothers day. I decided that on the Friday night I would do something different with Levi. So I took him out for dinner a little Mexican place we have here. I had never taken either of my boys there before. We sat down and at and talked about all sorts of things. While we were there he made friends with some lovely older people travelling through from another state…. he was polite and charming the entire time and they seemed quite in awe of him…. as we left he told them he hoped that they travel safely and thanked them for talking with him. As we walked to the car he looked up at me and said “mum they were such lovely people…. I hope they travel safely and maybe we will see them again some day” in that moment I could see his appreciation for these kind lovely people and it warmed my heart. This was my first little sign that I am not as bad as I think I am at this parenting gig.
Over the course of the next few days, every bit of assurance I needed come flooding in…. Levi expressed his gratitude on multiple occasions that he thought I was a really good mum… saying things like mum thank you for taking me to dinner, you do a lot of things for us you are a good mum and I love you and you are the best mum I could ask for…. Kaiden started saying things of a similar nature and I felt like I had all these positive reinforcements that I am in fact doing something right. Kaiden’s Mothers day present he made for me said that “I love my mum because she looks after me even when I was in hospital” this made me feel so much better about all the things that happened when we were there in hospital.
These moments over the last week or so have made me feel so loved and reassured that I’m not so bad at this….. I am instilling in them to be kind, loving, caring and to show gratitude…
I’m doing something right!!!